Once upon a time when I was still a psychology major I had to take a very informative class called “Marriage and Family Therapy.” One of the topics that was discussed was living with your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/whatever you call the other person that you’re not married to before you get married and whether or not that was a good idea.
The professor proceeded to take the classes’ opinions on the matter and then gave his own, including statistics. He discouraged the idea and added that statistics show that people who live together before getting married had a higher chance of divorcing then those who don’t.
The people who were for living together were surprised at this info and proceeded to debate why they felt that living together was a good idea. I was against living together before getting married, and although i can’t recall too well the points that the professor made, I can list to you the reasons why I, personally, will never ever move in with the potential future wifey.
1.) Unnecessarily Having to ‘Answer’ to Someone: Now, obviously, growing up I had to answer to my parents about where I was going, who I was with, what time i was going(expected) to be home, etc… and like every other teenager, I couldn’t wait for the day when I didn’t have to do that or at least not as often. So why would i want to put myself into a position where I’m essentially required to answer to someone again. For example, If I normally get home from work at 5:15 and the wifey gets home at six And one day when she gets home at six and I’m not there of course she’s going to call. Which is fine because that’s what people who generally care about your well being do, HOWEVER, we all have those times when those ‘where are you’ ‘what are you doing’ calls come in and for whatever reason, you just don’t feel like explaining yourself, not that you have anything to hide, you just don’t. So Why would I want to get a jump start on what i’ll be doing for the rest of my married life? There’s a very small window of unanswered freedom between parents and the significant other and I, for one, plan to enjoy that window as long as possible.
2.) Unnecessary Scrutiny: If you’re like me and have actually had a life outside of relationships then you realize the need to just do whatever you want sometimes. Sometimes you just wanna stay up all night playing video games though you know it’s a bad idea. Sometimes you wanna spend your day in your drawers, on your couch catching up on your favorite TV shows, and Every now and then you don’t wanna take that shower before falling into your bed. Those kinds of self indulgences that i listed are probably things I won’t be able to get away with when i’m living with my girlfriend and definitely not when i’m married because that’s just asking for a lecture. So again, I want to take advantage of those precious moments as much as possible.
3.) Risky Dependency: When you move in with somebody, there are obviously things for which you two are going to have to split the cost… Rent, Utilities, Food, Furniture, etc. Statistics state that one of the leading causes of divorce is due to financial issues so why I would I want to move in with a girlfriend who’s still trying to kick her ‘buy everything in Gucci,Louie, and Prada’ habit? I’d rather live independently on my own as long as I can until i’m sure we’re both ready to commit to the ‘financial union’ that living together would bring, and then I’d get married. Plus, what if things don’t work out and you guys got to split up all the stuff you bought together for ‘your own little place?’ who gets the king sized bed? who gets what piece of furniture? I’d rather not run the risk of even dealing with those kinds of issues.
3.) Lack of a ‘Serious’ Commitment: This is the most important one out of the four. I’m not sure if this way of thinking applies to all men or maybe just me but my way of thinking is that as long as i’m not married, I can always back out as I see the need to. I don’t really have a specific example that would cause me to jump ship immediately but i do know that me being married to the person would greatly decrease my desire to pack her things up and tell her to bounce. I take marriage very seriously, so my level of ‘relationship commitment’ to someone that i’m married to as opposed to someone that i’m not is almost like night and day, with the only shared trait being my loyalty to the person( No Cheating,etc)
In conclusion, my overall view is this: If you actually take the time out to observe the actions/traits/etc of the person you’re courting, then you won’t ever have to move in with them to find out if you’re ‘living compatible.’ You want to know if they’re a messy person? Call and ask if it’s ok to swing by one evening as you’re up the street from their house… There’s not a messy person alive that can clean up that fast. You want to know how they treat their parents? Listen and observe closely to any interactions they have when they speak to them. Ask their siblings if they have any. There’s a million and one alternatives to test if someone’s living compatible other than moving in with them, you just have to be willing to try them.
Well done Tony G.
thank you 🙂